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“Sex is overrated, hangover — flour”: 10 signs of a fart

Age is just a number in the passport? Yes, indeed, sometimes this old man can be in tridtsatnik, and some of them just born. Someone Danila Blues wrote a dozen grounds on which to determine that the youth is gone. They, of course, very subjective, but with some it is difficult to argue.

The years race ahead like a locomotive. Yesterday I was a young angry punk who was ready to die in a drunken slam. But before I can blink an eye, and I have strength and not dragged to a punk gig.

I became grouchy and had a breathing problem, and instead of riots would prefer to sit at home in a Bathrobe and Slippers, with a glass of whiskey and old, a thousand times he had seen the film. Good or bad? Don’t know, debate, I, too, rejected for old age, because, as he sang another old-timer — BG: “I don’t know of anyone who is not right.”

1. No better booze than cheap.

Before my pride was that I could drink any alcohol: wine packages, port wines and fortified wine in a dusty bottle with unbreakable plastic stopper, cocktails from plastic Poltorak, a cheap beer in huge, industrial fire extinguishers, bottles, washing up liquid baths, vodka, which produces a taciturn old woman on the fifth floor, and more, up to perfumes.

Now I prefer better not to drink anything than to ruin yourself with cheap swill. And it’s not so much the hangover (about it below), but in the intoxication. With years of low-budget booze is worse tolerated by the liver and turns you in the end is a brave hussar in a pathetic kind of person, in a loose abregana and the beast. No, better to sit at home, read a book or work on my crossword puzzles.

2. With age, the hangover turned into flour.

Young I could drink anything in any quantity until morning, then sleep twenty minutes to go unload the truck. Now for hangovers, you need to allocate a whole day, during which you’ll sleep, groan, gasp, meds and chicken broth and curse yesterday.

Admit it, your body is not the same as before, so you better take care of it, I didn’t die young.

3. Starting to love black olives.

Don’t know why but as a child I and all my friends just fierce hatred hated olives, it seemed, there is nothing nastier in the world and only stupid adults burzhuiny, same round, same olive bluish–black color tuxedos devour them.

Now I’m indifferent to olives, but the rest of my childhood friends as the chain was posryvali and ready to eat their colors. They stuffed their mouths and laugh from happiness.

I think the love of olives is some form of senile deranged imagination … that are inaccessible to youth due to their age.

4. You have your own daddy to paid receipts.

So did your parents, and before them so did your grandparents, and even earlier — great-grandfather and great-grandmother.

Pathetic, really. Did you want to be Ozzy Osbourne, Lemmy Kilmister, and you’re sitting there blaming kvitochki, as if someone really was coming to you with the inspection or test.

5. Besides, you know where the apartment is a passport, INN, SNILS, insurance policy and documents in the apartment.

Kept such nonsense in the mind of Lemmy? Of course there is! Why did he have passport and insurance if it and so all know, and had so much money that will be enough to pay not only the most expensive operation, but also to redeem the whole hospital building with all the guts to open up a nightclub or living room gaming machines.

6. As the years cease to dream.

I don’t know whether it’s from surging suddenly or wisdom from the banal disappointments in life. Anyway, covered with dust in the closet, the easel, a guitar, a brilliant synopsis of the novel, dzyudoistsky kimono and other attributes of unfulfilled dreams.

Well, not everyone can be great, not everyone can be a rock star–surrealist artists and brilliant writers. You are a brilliant Manager of sales, you even have written the prize last month.

Could receive the award in your office, this is your vaunted Lemmy? Like hell he would have got it!

7. Understand that sex is overrated.

Yes, once you were ready to fuck the whole world, which consisted entirely of Boobs, buttocks, legs, lips, tongues, and all of them promise you unearthly delights for which you were willing to run to the edge of the world. Now three hours sweating on the next ass some flirt you prefer chocolate cake or a bottle of good whiskey.

Women in the world a whole lot and the sex is usually not much different from Masturbation, and that good whiskey should still look. Ever your loins finally lay his blessed shroud impotence, you will become humble and enlightened.

8. Not afraid of the police.

And even cause it, when teenagers are with their Chinese waterproof speakers under the window do not give up.

Before you were young, and therefore dangerous to society: you were either drunk or broke something, or someone was beaten up or ran away from home, and the police for you was the number one enemy.

Now you are not to blame, you even reposts are not doing, and now, seeing nearby men in uniform, you feel calm, not fear.

9. Start listening to your body.

Previously, when something pricked in the side or pulled back, you waved and moved on. Heartburn, headaches, toothaches, colic, runny nose, sore throat — it’s either to wash down good with a wad of cold sores, or taking place, had only to wait.

Now after any bubbling in a strange place you run to your laptop to Google the symptoms of a future speedorama from which you are doomed here to die. You have home start so a box with a scattering of variety of tablets, which you call “first aid kit”.

You are no longer afraid of the half-dead old woman in hospital queues and an evil aunt in the registry. Closer to the old master the ancient skill to thank the doctors, that is, to bring them the right cognac and chocolates for a job well done operation.

10. Choose comfortable clothes instead of fashionable.

Recently I discovered sweatpants. All my life, I ignored the sport and, accordingly, wore only jeans and heavy boots. Three strips — the lot Gopnik, naively I thought. But damn, it feels good sometimes to admit they were wrong!

Sweat pants — the best invention of mankind! Nothing binds movements, no pressure in my groin, I felt like a naked Adam walk the streets of Magnitogorsk as for the garden of Eden. Don’t care what I look like Gopnik, face unlock won’t let me in trendy, Chicks and shy away, as from a leper. The main thing that I damn convenient.

Life we only have one and stupid in the pursuit of fashion and somebody’s approval to deprive yourself of comfort.

Well, how many signs counted?

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